My experiences: one student’s story of being disabled at Leeds
“Having ‘unconventional’ disabilities comes with its own hardships along with the difficulty of the actual disabilities themselves. The seemingly insurmountable pain of my trauma finally reared its head and drowned me with full force as my dissociative self-defence withered away when I began my first year at the University of Leeds.
My diagnoses of complex PTSD and ADHD concluded an agonising ‘fresher’ experience; an experience overtoned with new beginnings, fresh starts, close-knit flatmates and friends, happy memories, and lust for this new found freedom. The undertones rarely obvious to the naked eye. Only to be noticed from lived experience.
My world was upside down, as the undertones were my overtones. Whispers and hushed mentions of loneliness, despair, rage, envy, and desperation screamed and howled amid my fresher memories. Now you see why the term insurmountable best describes my pain.
Knowing something is wrong, but an awareness that was feeble at best left me in a state of confusion and despair. “It’s okay not to be okay”, “we are here for you”, “there is so much support available”, “ask for help” fell on deaf ears as a strong dissociative wall blocked my awareness.
My past experiences predominantly left me feeling powerless, voiceless, unsafe, unprotected, unwanted, and unloved; a helping hand was an abusive hand.
My disabilities do not define me, although a stronger awareness of the ways chronic traumatic experiences (along with ADHD) impact my life encouraged the bravery I needed to accept the support of my first-year personal tutor.
Reaching out for counselling at the university and making use of services around me facilitated the safety I needed to accept my status as a disabled student.
Not everyone understands my experiences and consequently my needs. However, the gratitude I have for my personal tutor(s), Disability Services, and lecturers at the University is never-ending. As they continue to try to accommodate my needs the best they possibly can despite the complexity of the task, as I learn more about myself and my needs in this new found safety”.
